I want to start this off with an introduction, that’s in my opinion, long overdue. So, hi, my name is Nada Nael and I’ve been writing under the name of Nadia Kamal.
There are many reasons as to why I chose to use a different name for the articles I wrote. It’s so many reasons combined, but as is the case most of the time, there are a few that stand out.
For as long as I remember, I was criticized for having too many thoughts about too many things. For always making it my mission to go against the “norm”. For being stubborn and always asking “why” when told to do something. For not settling with what is, but what should be.
One phrase I heard too often was, “you want to change the world”. That would be awesome, if it had been said as a form of acknowledgement and support. But, unfortunately, it was never in a good, encouraging way, but in a judgmental, degrading and disregarding way - as if me not settling for everything wrong in the world was reason enough to ignore what comes out of my mouth. Reason enough to disregard anything I say and not take it seriously, because what i'm doing is illogical, too far fetched and isn't going anywhere.
People didn't want to listen to me; they thought I just wanted to argue, to rebel against them, to seek attention, or to cause drama and for so long I fought against all that. I fought to be heard. I was stubborn and determined to not be quiet, despite their attempts.
Probably not long enough, because I eventually stopped. Not because I wanted to, but because I had spent years trying to get out of a little hole that was made for me the minute I was born. Until eventually, I decided to preserve the little bit of air I had left in that little hole I was buried in, to survive. That marks the day I gave up on the people around me, if not the world.
Finally, I took the backseat that was forced upon me. I stopped giving my two cents on pretty much all matters, even if I was asked for them. I didn't share them on social media or my day to day life. I just kept to myself, mostly. It was hard not to speak up, but it was easier than going through the fight I go through when I do.
That went on, until a couple of years ago when things took a hard turn in my life. I wanted some sort of a release. I needed to let some words out. I needed someone to hear me out. I needed that part of me to breathe. Fortunately for me, that's when I was introduced to Life In My Days, which acted as a platform in which I was allowed to breathe, and the birthing place of Nadia Kamal.
Writing as Nadia Kamal on Life In My Days was a safe heaven on earth for me. It was almost like a hand breaking through the soil, creating a tunnel that let some air into the hole i was in.
I could say what I wanted knowing that I will be heard by people who knew, people who understood where I was coming from, and most importantly, for me, people who would finally and truly listen to me.
In my head, I couldn't do that as Nada Nael, because I felt like she was never heard. She was never taken seriously and I didn't want my words to be linked to someone like that, because I didn't want people to perceive my words the way they perceived me. I wanted to make a change, I wanted to be taken seriously, I wanted to do more than just surviving.
I was also afraid. I would be lying if I said i'm not afraid, still. I would also be lying if I said, i'm letting go of Nadia Kamal because I wanted to. It was my decision, but in more ways than one, I was, more or less, forced by the circumstances.
If there's one thing I learned about life, it’s that it doesn't wait for you until you're ready, you just have to do your best to take care of yourself as you're being dragged along this journey called life.
You see, I don't feel like I've gotten everything I could out of being Nadia Kamal, and if it were up to me, I would hold onto Nadia Kamal until I have dealt with the reason why she came to life in the first place. I am still scared of sharing my thoughts, experiences and scars with the world, as myself and not behind a mask.
It's kind of like a pen and a pencil. When you write with a pencil you can always make mistakes, because you can always erase the parts you want changed. You are the pen, and in this world, you don't get second chances. Once you do, say, experience, believe or open up about something you are automatically branded as such, and you never know who’s gonna use that against you.
But today i'm breaking the pencil, because from this day on, I will be myself, and myself only.
Today I choose to personally let go of Nadia Kamal and face my fears head on, because another thing I've learned from life, is that I am stronger than I can ever imagine and with the help of the One who created me, I will overcome anything that comes my way. And I will overcome them as myself. Today I will do more than survive. Today, I will climb my way out of that hole and i will be heard as myself. Today, my words belong to me. Today, I am reborn.
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