I have asked myself if I should write this for weeks now. Some of you may have noticed my absence from social media and to an extent Life in My Days. Some of you know why, others have theories, but most know that something is not right. If you are a loved one, I ask that you stop reading this, as this letter is not for you. This letter is for the overwhelmed, the ones so connected to the pain in the world, and ready to call it quits.
I'm here, so deep within suicidality that I rarely have a passing moment where I'm not thinking of death. My browsing history is filled with options. I have pushed everyone away, and feel entirely alone, despite the willingness of family and friends to be there. But when you want something so vastly different than what everyone else wants for you how can you talk to anyone? That's why I'm writing this, to reach out to those of you that understand.
I am tired, I do not want to be here, and I don't want to try anymore. I am tired, hopeless, and just waiting. I have lost so much hope, I have nothing left. I am not here, and I don't have hope that it'll ever end, even if I try to end it.
I don't talk to anyone anymore, I don't write, I don't watch movies, i don't even read. I don't do anything that was a part of me anymore. It feels like I am already gone.
The people in my life care so much, but I am tired of thinking of how to explain, because when I have tried all I have done is upset them, and myself. Almost everything triggers me, and the kindest of people stab me with their words in every conversation.
I've struggled to find proper treatment, as there are only unique individuals that understand intersectionality fully to be able to understand. I'm tired of trying to explain, did I mention that? If I end up in a facility how do I explain it all when even explaining where I'm from is extremely taxing?
So this is for you, to say I get it. I might feel hopelessness but that doesn't mean my situation or any of yours is. We're so Life shatteringly amazing that the world can't handle us. I am tired, but I will find my way, in this world or the next.
If you need someone to talk to, I am here, I entirely understand. I know you're out there, and I know you understand, and that makes me feel like I belong, with a group of warriors that were given too much. I've been here before, seven years ago, I know it gets better, but we can't do it alone. So I'm here, just like I know you're here for me. You're not alone, you'll be surprised how many of us there are, how many people get it.
If there's anyone out there that you know will get it, even if you think you'll burden them, reach out. Create a plan with them. And if there isn't, now you know one more person that gets it.
Since writing this article I have felt better than I have in months. I was able to actually enjoy being in a brand new city, and going to dinner. This is what Life in My Days is all about, being vulnerable in a way that allows us to heal. I had held on to the experiences I mention above for far too long out of fear. The moment we decided that we can be is the moment we start healing.
Ahmad Abojaradeh is the Founder and Executive Director of Life in My Days, Inc. He is the co-Founder of Muslim Community Link, An Engineer, a world traveler, a Peer Support Specialist, and a Novelist. He hopes to spread awareness of living a life of wellness through his writing, workshops and speaker events. Follow Ahmad on twitter, instagram or facebook.