Shortly, I'll be approaching 20 days of sobriety.
The last time I made it this long without a drink was about this time last year. I thought to myself, "Hey! You made it a month! You don't have a problem. Let's go ahead and try to ease back into drinking! We've got this!"
Before I even knew what hit me, alcohol had it's vice grip wrapped around me, yet again. "I'm depressed, I deserve this drink", "My dad passed away, but this cocktail will help numb the pain", "I didn't get that job I applied to, time to have a drink.", "This Netflix show is awesome, but it'd be even better with some booze!" , "Trump is president and the world is fucked! Somebody get me some liquor!"
Isolating myself and drowning myself in vodka every night had once again become the norm. This time, though, I was living much more recklessly and making a string of bad decisions.
20 days sober isn't that long, but something feels different this time. Now I know i'll never be able to drink like a normal person. I can look back and remember a handful of fun times being wasted, but ultimately all it did was make my life so much worse. So many things I wish I could take back. Unfortunately I don't have a time machine. All I can do is try and be a better person and learn from my mistakes.
I still have that nagging little voice in my head that tells me one day I might be able to drink normally. People that have been sober much longer than I have tell me that it goes away eventually. I don't know if it ever will go away, but at least now I can tell it to go f@#k off.
Todd Scott is a big film nerd and pop culture junkie. Currently he is working at Old Gold while doing graphic design on the side.