In the last few days there's been a report about some Middle Eastern man being kicked off a Southwest Airline flight because he was speaking Arabic. Since I travel Internationally at least five times a year, and this year it's expected to be between 10 and 20 trips I thought I'd give you all some travel tips, from someone that's literally seen it all.
1) Do not talk foreign.
I feel like this one is obvious, just don't do it. Drugs might have some benefits, but speaking foreign is never a good idea in any airport or in the vicinity of one. The general rule is if you know what an airplane is then don't speak foreign.
2) Be white.
What is wrong with your skin color? Is it the sun? If yes, don't ever go outside again. Is it a genetic mutation? If yes, here's what you do:
You will need two items, bleach and whitening strips. Dip the whitening strips in the bleach and place on all the visible body areas. You can be brown or black or whatever you want; you just can't look black or brown. Tip: Keep a doctor on standby, and schedule a morgue and funeral home in advance, once people find out about this they're going to fill up quick.
3) Dress for the occasion.
Don't go all out tux and Rolex, even if the bleaching works really well, they can see through it. Dress better than everyone else, but less than everyone else. Otherwise, you're at serious risk.
4) Be Civilized.
This one is only for individuals that are not citizens of a civilized nation. What's wrong with you? Why were you born in someplace called Jordan? Who does that? What does that even mean? Just stop! Just don't! You have a serious problem and you're a danger to everyone. I can't deal with you right now.
5) Why travel on a plane?
What's wrong with walking? Or riding a donkey? Or why don't you steal a horse or something? You have so many options, but you're just being a baby about this and complaining. God, kids these days are never satisfied!
If you follow these simple steps you'll be absolutely fine. I mean look at me, I speak foreign, I'm not really white, I dress more and less, I just don't do the whole citizenship thing, and I walk to a lot of places. If more people were like me we wouldn't have to deal with someone being kicked off a plane. We'd all be safe. One final bit of advice; stop harming people with your foreignness, your mutation, your style, your country of origin, and your impatience in going places. Just stop, we'll all be better off.
If you couldn't tell this was a satire. You should never have to explain a joke, but I fear that someone will believe this and translate it into the hate they see everyday. Be you, whoever you are, be as you were always meant to be. I'm sorry the world will mistreat you, shame you, and judge you for who you are, but I pray that you find the right spaces to belong.
Ahmad Abojaradeh is the Co-Founder and Director of Mental Health for MCL, An Engineer, a world traveler, a Peer Support Specialist, a Novelist and the founder and editor of Life in My Days. He hopes to spread awareness of living a life of wellness through his writing, workshops and speaker events.