When asked about Suicide most people would paint a very black and white picture. The reality is that Suicide exists within a multitude of shades of grey, and to this day is extremely misunderstood, despite our perceived awareness of it. This series, aims to shine a light on a topic that many would rather keep hidden. This is What Suicidality looks like.
Over the last seven years I have developed my own scale for Suicidality. Based on this scale, I know exactly when I'm really in trouble and the best help to seek. I know when to be scared, and when things are going to be okay. My scale is different than most Suicidality scales, for mine does not end with dying, and for me, 4's are the scariest. To better explain, I'm going to be doing 10 blog posts, one for each number on the scale, describing what it's like for me, and when it's all done I might do another post to wrap it all up.
I want to stress here that this is not a comprehensive series, and Suicidality, like Mental Illness, differs from individual to individual, this is what it looks like for me.
17 was not a good year for me, not at all. Like many other years, I felt entirely alone, and for the most part I was. This was the year I had more people around me, but less that actually cared. My mind was working its magic, trying to bring me back to reality, but there was no reality, not one worth coming back to.
It started out in school. The idea of being dead became more and more appetizing. It'd come and go, in the morning, during class, at night. It was a constant reminder that my problems can be solved, and the solution is being dead.
At this point you are still passive, and you will be until you reach a 5. So at a 2, the idea of suicide is no where to be seen. A 2, is a wish, a prayer that you do over and over again, to God, to yourself, to anything that will listen. And you wish yourself dead. It is no longer just a thought, it is slightly more than that.
Slowly, you begin weighing things, between life and death. Are they worth it? Are they not? Would this be solved if I was dead? What wouldn't be solved? And slowly, death becomes the ultimate solution.
Ahmad Abojaradeh is the Co-Founder of Muslim Community Link, An Engineer, a world traveler, a Peer Support Specialist, a Novelist and the founder and editor of Life in My Days. He hopes to spread awareness of living a life of wellness through his writing, workshops and speaker events. Follow Ahmad on twitter, instagram or facebook.